Friday, September 21, 2007

Come on Bennet, let's paaahty

Commando is the greatest gay movie of the eighties. I just watched it again and could go over it all the way to the ludicrous steam-spurting finale, but there's nothing I could say that ruthless reviews hasn't already put better:
For no apparent reason, Bennett exclaims, “John, I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes. I'm going to shoot you between the balls.” Money shoot him between the balls... But what really sent my gaydar off the chart was the following exchange between Arnold and Mr. Wells:

Matrix: "You can beat me... You want to put a knife in me. Look me in the eyes. See what's going on in there while you turn it. That's what you want to do to me, right? Come on, let the girl go. You and me. Don't deprive yourself of some pleasure. Come on Bennett; let's party."

Bennett: "I don't need the girl -- I don't need the girl!!"

Short of Arnold actually licking Vernon's ass, you simply could not come up with a gayer scene. Seriously, men fucking is straighter. And of course, you can’t spell Commando without “man,” “do” or “personal lubricant.”

Of course, there's no way words can do justice to the hopeless, conflicted longing in Bennett's face when Arnie goads him into going at him toe to toe.

Commando is fantastic beyond words.


Bored Film Academic said...

Ten reasons why Commando is gay, off the top of my head:

1. Villain is named BENNETT, sporting a Freddy Mercury 'tache and Village People chainmail vest combo;

2. Bennett bears a grudge against Matrix (Arnie) - they used to be part of a "unit" (ie GAY COUPLE) until he was dumped. Ever since then, he's "waited to pay you back";

3. When he is enlisted by a South American drug lord to capture and kill Matrix, Bennett says "They offered me a hundred grand. You want to know something? When I found out I could get my hands on you, I said I'd do it for nothing".

4. Bennett makes repeated allusions to "Matrix and I" and says things like "if Matrix was here, he'd laugh too", i.e. he's pining for his ex-squeeze;

5. Bennett kidnaps Matrix's daughter (played by kiddy Alyssa Milano): there's no mention of Matrix's wife / mother of his kid, and Bennett wants to form the perfect gay couple with daughter;

6. When they first meet, Matrix says "I'll be back, Bennett.."... to which the latter replies - camply - "I'll be waiting, John";

7. The final battle is Bennett's big chance to fight / fuck Matrix: he enters a sexual froth, yelling as he slices Matrix's arm up... when he pulls the gun on him, Matrix acknowledges the gay love for the first time as he says in a lustful, flirty tone: "Come on Bennett, throw away the chicken shit gun, you don't just want to pull the trigger, you want to put the knife in me, and look me in the eye, and see whats going on in there when you turn it, thats what you want to do, right?";

8. As Bennett draws the gun on Matrix, he refers to his need for castration: "John, I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes. I'm going to shoot you between the balls";

9. The fight ends with the most homoerotic of endings, when Matrix literally penetrates Bennett with a length of tubing. Bennett screams orgasmically, steam comes out the tube (cum!) and Matrix says "let off some steam, Bennett".

10. Film ends with Matrix renouncing his homosexuality and walking off with Rae Dawn Chong's character and his daughter, forming for the first time a patriarchal monogamous hetrosexual family unit...basically ending his journey of sexual discovery that is the subplot of the film.

Anonymous said...

You homos sure do know alot about being gay. It's just an action movie. The fact that you twinks find so much fagetry in this film proves you're looking for it. "It takes one to know one" is the old phrase. Bennett is obsessed with Matrix because he wants revenge for being thrown out of the unit. The unit being a "military unit," not some fag union. Remember, there were other men in the unit that were killed earlier in the film, so it obviously wasn't just Bennett and Matrix. It's also obvious to anyone who isn't gay that Matrix and Cindy became a couple at the end of the film. Get a life.

SH said...

Anonymous, meet subtext. Subtext, meet anonymous. You see, sometimes it's possible for something to say one thing on the surface, but another on a lower level.

You know when a lady rejects your sexual advances with a polite "you're a nice guy, but..." while at the same time grinning nervously, one hand jammed into her purse, gripping a can of mace? Those other signals are saying "Get the fuck away from me now", and if you paid attention to those instead of just the words, you'd save yourself from a burst of stingy liquid!

Commando is exactly, like that, and exactly as subtle!

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